You wake before the alarm, turn over and then it hits you — you are already behind on what you have to do. Out of bed you rush to get ready, grab something to eat, gulp down some coffee, and zoom your nerves are already vibrating at hyper speed. At the end of the long and exhausting day, you fall into bed bone-tired and weary, feeling that you didn’t accomplish many of the things you had to do, much less the ones you wanted to do. Sigh, is this the life I was born to live?

No! You have a choice; you can live the Life that You’ve Dreamed of Living.

“Hah”, you say, “What is that? I would settle for having a life! “Yes, I understand, I have been there. I know the edgy, nagging feeling, which gnaws at your insides and buzzes in your brain as you juggle more demands than humanly possible. There is another approach, let me share with you what I learned the hard way, so you don’t have to.

Born into a traditional Chinese family in Hong Kong, I was the second daughter of parents who were eager for a son. Soon after my birth, my mother gave birth to three boys, which cemented my position at the bottom of the totem pole. I grew up an unwanted, neglected and abused child in a setting where dirt was considered more valuable than a worthless, second daughter.

My one blessing was my Chinese name given to me by my grandfather. A very unusual honor for a Chinese girl, he named me, Hay Lit, after two respected Chinese emperors. Although he died when I was seven, his gift of my noble name inspired me to believe that someone cared, and that empowered me to dream that one day I could do something meaningful with my life.

There were other people who had it much worse. One of my schoolmates, Rebecca, and her family of five lived in a 7ft X 8ft room, and shared a kitchen and bathroom with two other families in an old, decrepit apartment building. In spite both her parents working full time, my friend and her family often went hungry at the end of the month. I was incensed that they had to live this way. Her life motivated me to want to make a positive difference in the world, and to help people in need, people like Rebecca.

Driven by my mission, I came to America alone for a college education in my mid-teens. Working variously as a fast-food fry cook, hospital dietary aide, and in the college cafeteria, I earned my undergraduate studies and graduate degree in a bit over four years. From the bottom of the totem pole, I climbed to the top of the corporate ladder at well-known companies (V.P. Nike, President Reebok Apparel & Retail Group, CEO Aveda Corp.). From there I became a successful entrepreneur, a best-selling author and co-founded a nonprofit, Us Foundation dedicated to promoting the highest common good for humanity and the planet.

I never forgot my true life-purpose. As an executive in the apparel industry, one of my proudest accomplishments was helping to improve labor standards for apparel workers in developing countries. I speak and consult with global companies and governmental organizations on leadership, diversity, equity and inclusion, coach executives, and collaborate with other nonprofits worldwide in developing and fostering conditions for peace and wellbeing for the less fortunate.

I thought life was great. Until one day some years ago, my sister, who lives in Vancouver, B.C. called to say she wanted to come to spend Christmas with me. “I’m sorry,” I heard myself say to my sister, whom I dearly love and hadn’t seen for over two years, “but I’m just too tired to even think about the holidays. In fact, I’m going to cancel Christmas entirely this year.”

Listening to myself, I thought, “What am I saying? This is just ridiculous! This is crazy!” Suddenly I realized that in giving everything to helping others, I had completely neglected my personal life. This truth hit hard. I was shocked and embarrassed. My own labor standards were completely out of balance! The second daughter, Hay Lit, had been putting herself at the bottom of the totem pole.

My sister was speechless at first, but then she understood that I was just burned out. I humbly apologized that my priorities were messed up. Giving everything I had to other people and to so many worthy causes, at the end of the year I had nothing left for me ─ or my own sister!

I had been speaking and coaching business and governmental leaders to not only excel at work but to honor their physical and emotional health, spend time with family and friends, and pursue their intellectual interests and spiritual calling. Could pushing myself into a state of total exhaustion be incongruent with what I was speaking about? I was not walking my talk.
Itis embarrassing to admit that I only came to this realization about 15 years ago. Reflecting on how the roles of women have changed over the years; today we are expected to wear many different hats — daughter, student, career woman, wife, mother, friend, and community leader, and oftentimes all at once. Juggling all these, we struggle to stay in shape, look beautiful, have a spiritual core, and become self-actualized — expectations that society have placed upon us, and we have unconsciously accepted with no question. Pause now and then to ask, “Am I taking care of the most important person in the world?”

Keeping all the traditional roles, women have taken on many additional responsibilities. Multi-tasking seems to come naturally to the feminine gender, leading us to believe that we can do everything, all the time, and all at once. But this is impossible, and sometimes in order to achieve what’s critical and to remain sane and healthy, we just have to say no.

Whenever you feel overwhelmed, stop, take a deep breath, and then take another one, and then say, “What would happen if I didn’t do this task at this very moment? What is really most important? What is the truth here for me? Pull yourself back enough to get distance and perspective. Listen to the voice of your inner wisdom. The answer will come.

To stay true to my life purpose, I have since learned to put my own needs high on the list of priorities and practice what I preach. Only by striving to make certain that my life is sustained in a balanced way, can I make the positive difference that is my mission. 

After all, how can I help to heal the world if I can’t take care of me?

And you? Are you neglecting yourself to take care of others? Is that really working for you and your loved ones? When you are giving is from lack — it’s unsustainable and will eventually not only drain you but also destroy the very relationships and structures you are working so hard to build.

Stop, take a deep breath, again, and repeat the above instructions as needed. Remember that you are part of the whole — if you neglect/abuse yourself and become a hole — instead of a valuable part of the whole — the whole will also have a hole.